Spring....

I can honestly say that I have never been happier. Things are not easy and money is tight just like it always was and yet I have nothing to be unhappy about. I think for me it was about learning how to just deal with it and not allowing your circumstances to control your mood or change who you are. If you sit and sulk and pout and stress about everything all the time you don't allow your self any time for happiness. I have learned that weather you laugh and enjoy life or cry and stress over what ever it is it isn't going to make the problem go away either way. I have found as of late that my emotions are much more balanced. I still have random days but they are much more infrequent. It gives me a great sense of relief knowing that I am not going to just start crying at the drop of a hat for reasons not even I can determine and not be able to control or stop the sobbing. I hope those days are long behind me. I am moving on, slowly. J and I are taking our time no rush. I see my future and it is so bright with endless possibilities. I have decided it's time for a change of secenery so I am literally moving on. I am packing as we speak and will be saying good bye to to Pennsylvania in 12
Days!!! I am excited for the fresh start, going where no one knows me. It is bitter sweet however, this change of scenery. I am also saying good bye to a dream. I occassionally find myself daydreaming pondering what my life would be like in that very moment had I not taken
such a bold leap. I find myself picturing me playing in the back yard with Gracie. Oh how I
miss my Gracie dog. She was the light of my day most often. I also find myself thinking of all
the things I am going to miss this spring. I absolutely loved our yard in the spring. The
pear and apple trees will be blooming soon and they will fill the air with a sweet sticky
smell that I absolutely adore soon to be followed by the scent of lilac bushes and honey suckle that would great me when I walked in the back gate every evening. I put so much into that yard and I hate that I will not get to enjoy the fruits of my labor. I can only imagine the blossoms on that pink magnolia tree we planted that I wanted so bad or how beautiful the combination of the cape myrtle and rose of sharon are going to be. I searched everywhere for the perfect shade of red. I will miss my roses. I worked so hard on that garden and had plans for it this year as well. I planted blueberry bushes just out side of the kitchen close enough to pick for pancakes on Sunday mornings. I have also imagined laying on the balcony on the day bed swing that I wanted to build under the fresh bright yellow ceilings I wanted to paint with outdoor fans and beautiful flower boxes. I don't however imagine myself doing any of this with him. Does it mean that I don't miss him? I don't believe that I do. I have some grate memories of our time together and some not so great ones as well. I worry about him as I fear I always
will and forever he will have a place in my heart but for all of the things I will miss this
spring, I am happy and excited to be starting a new life with new dreams.