My theme song and inspiration for this blog.
Saturday, February 19, 2011
The Storm
It was October when I started this blog. No one reads it which is just fine to me. I think I only average a few random readers and most of what I post here are thoughts that I just need to put out into the world. This however is more than random thoughts, this is a part of my story. It is personal and it's real.
It was back in October that I saw this storm brewing. Well honestly the storm had been brewing for six years, it was in October that it finally started to rain. Six years ago I met a guy, to me at the time he was the greatest guy in the world, or at least he was so much better than the guy before him and I just knew I couldn't do any better so I fell head over heals in love with him. He did everything he could to spoil me rotten. He would wine and dine me, buy me gifts. We went on countless trips to Disney World. We would escape the harsh truth of reality for a week at a time and on our way home we would start planning our next trip. I don't think we ever really returned to reality to be honest with you.
He was a great guy, but he also had a darker side. I decided I could live with it and I loved him so that I ignored it really. I ignored his temper and control issues. I was warned. My family and friends all saw it coming. I can't tell you how many times I called crying about one thing or another. Even on my wedding day my mother told me I didn't have to do it. I remember being in the bridal suite alone as everyone else was walking down, swaying back and fourth attempting to remain on my feet thinking to myself, what are you doing??!! This isn't right!!!! I convinced myself that it was just nerves, all of my friends and family were gathered down stairs and I didn't want to disappoint anyone, so by the time I got to the bottom of the stairs I took my fathers arm and at a faster than lightning pace I raced down the isle.
By that point I had changed. I wasn't even myself any more. I had become this sit back and shut up behind a man type of woman. What I wanted I only wanted because it was what he wanted. We had passion and romance in the beginning, and although we had romance three years into our relationship when we were married, the passion was all ready gone. Maybe not for him but it was for me. I faked my way through many nights just wanting it all to end. I told myself it was normal. This is how it is suppose to be so I should just deal with it. Then it started to get harder to just be with him. Just to sit on the couch and be. I had to work at being happy to just be with my husband. I knew it was wrong but I didn't really see any way out. Things continued to get worse, until September when I met her.
I found her to be an amazing woman. She made me feel like I did before the storm clouds began to roll over my life. She gave me courage to stand up for myself and to know that I wanted more for my life and that I deserved better. To cut this long story short I jumped. I took a blind leap of faith in myself and in her and I left him. I knew that although I loved him I wasn't in love with him. I knew that I wanted more for my life and in a partner, I wanted her. Someone that would make me want to be a better, stronger woman, someone that would love me for me. Lucky for me, she wanted me too!
Let me be clear, I did not leave him for her. I left him for me, and contrary to popular belief the only affair that took place was an emotional one if you really want to look at it that way. The storm continues to rumble. I feel the power of hurt and pain all around me and although I know I made the best decision for me, it still doesn't make it any easier. SO here's to learning to dance in the rain........
It was back in October that I saw this storm brewing. Well honestly the storm had been brewing for six years, it was in October that it finally started to rain. Six years ago I met a guy, to me at the time he was the greatest guy in the world, or at least he was so much better than the guy before him and I just knew I couldn't do any better so I fell head over heals in love with him. He did everything he could to spoil me rotten. He would wine and dine me, buy me gifts. We went on countless trips to Disney World. We would escape the harsh truth of reality for a week at a time and on our way home we would start planning our next trip. I don't think we ever really returned to reality to be honest with you.
He was a great guy, but he also had a darker side. I decided I could live with it and I loved him so that I ignored it really. I ignored his temper and control issues. I was warned. My family and friends all saw it coming. I can't tell you how many times I called crying about one thing or another. Even on my wedding day my mother told me I didn't have to do it. I remember being in the bridal suite alone as everyone else was walking down, swaying back and fourth attempting to remain on my feet thinking to myself, what are you doing??!! This isn't right!!!! I convinced myself that it was just nerves, all of my friends and family were gathered down stairs and I didn't want to disappoint anyone, so by the time I got to the bottom of the stairs I took my fathers arm and at a faster than lightning pace I raced down the isle.
By that point I had changed. I wasn't even myself any more. I had become this sit back and shut up behind a man type of woman. What I wanted I only wanted because it was what he wanted. We had passion and romance in the beginning, and although we had romance three years into our relationship when we were married, the passion was all ready gone. Maybe not for him but it was for me. I faked my way through many nights just wanting it all to end. I told myself it was normal. This is how it is suppose to be so I should just deal with it. Then it started to get harder to just be with him. Just to sit on the couch and be. I had to work at being happy to just be with my husband. I knew it was wrong but I didn't really see any way out. Things continued to get worse, until September when I met her.
I found her to be an amazing woman. She made me feel like I did before the storm clouds began to roll over my life. She gave me courage to stand up for myself and to know that I wanted more for my life and that I deserved better. To cut this long story short I jumped. I took a blind leap of faith in myself and in her and I left him. I knew that although I loved him I wasn't in love with him. I knew that I wanted more for my life and in a partner, I wanted her. Someone that would make me want to be a better, stronger woman, someone that would love me for me. Lucky for me, she wanted me too!
Let me be clear, I did not leave him for her. I left him for me, and contrary to popular belief the only affair that took place was an emotional one if you really want to look at it that way. The storm continues to rumble. I feel the power of hurt and pain all around me and although I know I made the best decision for me, it still doesn't make it any easier. SO here's to learning to dance in the rain........
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