Saturday, February 19, 2011

The Storm

It was October when I started this blog. No one reads it which is just fine to me. I think I only average a few random readers and most of what I post here are thoughts that I just need to put out into the world. This however is more than random thoughts, this is a part of my story. It is personal and it's real.

It was back in October that I saw this storm brewing. Well honestly the storm had been brewing for six years, it was in October that it finally started to rain. Six years ago I met a guy, to me at the time he was the greatest guy in the world, or at least he was so much better than the guy before him and I just knew I couldn't do any better so I fell head over heals in love with him. He did everything he could to spoil me rotten. He would wine and dine me, buy me gifts. We went on countless trips to Disney World. We would escape the harsh truth of reality for a week at a time and on our way home we would start planning our next trip. I don't think we ever really returned to reality to be honest with you.

He was a great guy, but he also had a darker side. I decided I could live with it and I loved him so that I ignored it really. I ignored his temper and control issues. I was warned. My family and friends all saw it coming. I can't tell you how many times I called crying about one thing or another. Even on my wedding day my mother told me I didn't have to do it. I remember being in the bridal suite alone as everyone else was walking down, swaying back and fourth attempting to remain on my feet thinking to myself, what are you doing??!! This isn't right!!!! I convinced myself that it was just nerves, all of my friends and family were gathered down stairs and I didn't want to disappoint anyone, so by the time I got to the bottom of the stairs I took my fathers arm and at a faster than lightning pace I raced down the isle.

By that point I had changed. I wasn't even myself any more. I had become this sit back and shut up behind a man type of woman. What I wanted I only wanted because it was what he wanted. We had passion and romance in the beginning, and although we had romance three years into our relationship when we were married, the passion was all ready gone. Maybe not for him but it was for me. I faked my way through many nights just wanting it all to end. I told myself it was normal. This is how it is suppose to be so I should just deal with it. Then it started to get harder to just be with him. Just to sit on the couch and be. I had to work at being happy to just be with my husband. I knew it was wrong but I didn't really see any way out. Things continued to get worse, until September when I met her.

I found her to be an amazing woman. She made me feel like I did before the storm clouds began to roll over my life. She gave me courage to stand up for myself and to know that I wanted more for my life and that I deserved better. To cut this long story short I jumped. I took a blind leap of faith in myself and in her and I left him. I knew that although I loved him I wasn't in love with him. I knew that I wanted more for my life and in a partner, I wanted her. Someone that would make me want to be a better, stronger woman, someone that would love me for me. Lucky for me, she wanted me too!

Let me be clear, I did not leave him for her. I left him for me, and contrary to popular belief the only affair that took place was an emotional one if you really want to look at it that way. The storm continues to rumble. I feel the power of hurt and pain all around me and although I know I made the best decision for me, it still doesn't make it any easier. SO here's to learning to dance in the rain........

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A Collection of My Favorite Quotes

"Time and circumstances will always change things. Your heart and your mind will know when it's right!"

"Be happy for this moment, THIS moment is your life!"

"Never doubt that a small group of determined and thoughtful people can change the world. Indeed, it's the only thing that ever has!"
~Margaret Mead

"Wait long enough and people will eventually surprise and shock you!"

"Experience is what you get when you didn't get what you wanted!"

"We are the change we have been waiting for!"
~Barack Obama

"It is not fair to ask of others what you are unwilling to do yourself."
~Eleanor Roosevelt

"Be the change you want to see in the world"
~Ganhdi

"Finnish today and be done with it. You have done what you can. I am sure some blunders and absurdities have crept in, forget them as soon as you can. Tomorrow is a new day!"
~Emerson

"Do what you feel in your heart to be right- for you'll be criticized any way. You'll be damned if you do, and damned if you don't."
~Eleanor Roosevelt


"I, not events, have the power to make me happy or unhappy today. I can choose which it shall be."

~Groucho Marx

"Insanity: doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results."

~Albert Einstein

"Live and life will follow..."

"We make a living by what we get, but we make a life by what we give." ~Winston Churchill

"They say they built the train tracks over the Alps between Vienna and Venice before there was a train that could make the trip, they built it any way, they knew one day the train would come." ~Under the Tuscan Sun

"Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It is not rude, it is not self seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrong. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always preserves."

-1st Corinthians 13:4-7

"If you would not be forgotten, as soon as you are dead and rotten, either write things worth reading or do things worth the writing."

-Ben Franklin

"No eye has seen, no ear had heard, no mind has ever conceived what God has prepared for those who love him."

-1st Corinthians 2:9-10

"Always wear cute P.J.’s to bed because you never know who you’ll meet in your dreams."

"Remember that life isn’t about the number of breaths we take, but the moments that take our breath away."

"I believe miracles are like falling in love you never believe it can happen until it happens to you!"

"Love must be sincere. Hate what is evil, cling to what is good. Be devoted to one another in brotherly love. Honor one another above yourselves. Never be lacking in zeal, but keep your spiritual fervor, serving the Lord. Be joyful in hope, patient in affliction, faith full in prayer. Share with God’s people who are in need. Practice hospitality."

-Romans 12:9-13

“Yes, you may get the easy way out and never have to feel the hurt or emptiness, but you will also miss out on the magic of love and the healing in a hug and the fireworks in a kiss!
"

"Love is like war: Easy to begin and hard to end"

"Do no regret growing older, it is a privilege denied to many!"

"Every girls prince will come, mine just took a wrong turn got lost and is too stubborn to ask for directions!"

"Dreams are not perfect they come true not free."

"The greater the conflict, the more glorious the triumph."

-Thomas Paine

"You get so alone at times that it just makes sense
."

“Life was great, first I fooled around then I screwed around. Wanna know the difference, the difference between fooling around and screwing around is, screwing around is fooling around with out dinner!"

-Roxie Heart

"The very moment you say I can’t handle anymore is the time when God gives you more to handle so just keep your mouth shut and deal with it!"

"True love can not be found where it truly does not exist and can not be hidden where it does."




 

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