Spring....

I can honestly say that I have never been happier. Things are not easy and money is tight just like it always was and yet I have nothing to be unhappy about. I think for me it was about learning how to just deal with it and not allowing your circumstances to control your mood or change who you are. If you sit and sulk and pout and stress about everything all the time you don't allow your self any time for happiness. I have learned that weather you laugh and enjoy life or cry and stress over what ever it is it isn't going to make the problem go away either way. I have found as of late that my emotions are much more balanced. I still have random days but they are much more infrequent. It gives me a great sense of relief knowing that I am not going to just start crying at the drop of a hat for reasons not even I can determine and not be able to control or stop the sobbing. I hope those days are long behind me. I am moving on, slowly. J and I are taking our time no rush. I see my future and it is so bright with endless possibilities. I have decided it's time for a change of secenery so I am literally moving on. I am packing as we speak and will be saying good bye to to Pennsylvania in 12
Days!!! I am excited for the fresh start, going where no one knows me. It is bitter sweet however, this change of scenery. I am also saying good bye to a dream. I occassionally find myself daydreaming pondering what my life would be like in that very moment had I not taken
such a bold leap. I find myself picturing me playing in the back yard with Gracie. Oh how I
miss my Gracie dog. She was the light of my day most often. I also find myself thinking of all
the things I am going to miss this spring. I absolutely loved our yard in the spring. The
pear and apple trees will be blooming soon and they will fill the air with a sweet sticky
smell that I absolutely adore soon to be followed by the scent of lilac bushes and honey suckle that would great me when I walked in the back gate every evening. I put so much into that yard and I hate that I will not get to enjoy the fruits of my labor. I can only imagine the blossoms on that pink magnolia tree we planted that I wanted so bad or how beautiful the combination of the cape myrtle and rose of sharon are going to be. I searched everywhere for the perfect shade of red. I will miss my roses. I worked so hard on that garden and had plans for it this year as well. I planted blueberry bushes just out side of the kitchen close enough to pick for pancakes on Sunday mornings. I have also imagined laying on the balcony on the day bed swing that I wanted to build under the fresh bright yellow ceilings I wanted to paint with outdoor fans and beautiful flower boxes. I don't however imagine myself doing any of this with him. Does it mean that I don't miss him? I don't believe that I do. I have some grate memories of our time together and some not so great ones as well. I worry about him as I fear I always
will and forever he will have a place in my heart but for all of the things I will miss this
spring, I am happy and excited to be starting a new life with new dreams.

The Song

My theme song and inspiration for this blog.

The Storm

It was October when I started this blog. No one reads it which is just fine to me. I think I only average a few random readers and most of what I post here are thoughts that I just need to put out into the world. This however is more than random thoughts, this is a part of my story. It is personal and it's real.

It was back in October that I saw this storm brewing. Well honestly the storm had been brewing for six years, it was in October that it finally started to rain. Six years ago I met a guy, to me at the time he was the greatest guy in the world, or at least he was so much better than the guy before him and I just knew I couldn't do any better so I fell head over heals in love with him. He did everything he could to spoil me rotten. He would wine and dine me, buy me gifts. We went on countless trips to Disney World. We would escape the harsh truth of reality for a week at a time and on our way home we would start planning our next trip. I don't think we ever really returned to reality to be honest with you.

He was a great guy, but he also had a darker side. I decided I could live with it and I loved him so that I ignored it really. I ignored his temper and control issues. I was warned. My family and friends all saw it coming. I can't tell you how many times I called crying about one thing or another. Even on my wedding day my mother told me I didn't have to do it. I remember being in the bridal suite alone as everyone else was walking down, swaying back and fourth attempting to remain on my feet thinking to myself, what are you doing??!! This isn't right!!!! I convinced myself that it was just nerves, all of my friends and family were gathered down stairs and I didn't want to disappoint anyone, so by the time I got to the bottom of the stairs I took my fathers arm and at a faster than lightning pace I raced down the isle.

By that point I had changed. I wasn't even myself any more. I had become this sit back and shut up behind a man type of woman. What I wanted I only wanted because it was what he wanted. We had passion and romance in the beginning, and although we had romance three years into our relationship when we were married, the passion was all ready gone. Maybe not for him but it was for me. I faked my way through many nights just wanting it all to end. I told myself it was normal. This is how it is suppose to be so I should just deal with it. Then it started to get harder to just be with him. Just to sit on the couch and be. I had to work at being happy to just be with my husband. I knew it was wrong but I didn't really see any way out. Things continued to get worse, until September when I met her.

I found her to be an amazing woman. She made me feel like I did before the storm clouds began to roll over my life. She gave me courage to stand up for myself and to know that I wanted more for my life and that I deserved better. To cut this long story short I jumped. I took a blind leap of faith in myself and in her and I left him. I knew that although I loved him I wasn't in love with him. I knew that I wanted more for my life and in a partner, I wanted her. Someone that would make me want to be a better, stronger woman, someone that would love me for me. Lucky for me, she wanted me too!

Let me be clear, I did not leave him for her. I left him for me, and contrary to popular belief the only affair that took place was an emotional one if you really want to look at it that way. The storm continues to rumble. I feel the power of hurt and pain all around me and although I know I made the best decision for me, it still doesn't make it any easier. SO here's to learning to dance in the rain........

New Year's Resolutions

Well it is day four of 2011 and I am all ready not doing so hot in the keeping up with my resolutions department. I decided that I must put them out into the world first, so here it goes:

#1) Eat breakfast every day! I have all ready failed at this as I only ate breakfast on the first. I really need to pick up some things from the store that I can grab and go. The problem is that I don't get up early enough to eat breakfast. I guess I should make a resolution to get up earlier but I tried this in the past and it just doesn't work for me. Eating breakfast every day will give me more energy, help balance my diet as long as it is healthy, and hopefully help me drop some pounds which leads me to resolution......

#2) Drop 40lbs. I will not even start exercising until the spring so lets not get started on that until the temperature goes up a good 20 degrees.

#3) Rid my life of toxic relationships, I don't need the extra drama and stress, if it isn't good for me I just don't need it and they will soon be seeing and hearing much less of me.

#4) Get a new JOB! Enough said.

#5) Get back to giving. Volunteering use to be a big part of my life and I have really fallen out of it so I picked a project and I will be working with a very small new Nonprofit cat rescue helping them with their fundraising. I love animals and they need my help.


#6) Take time for me every day, I use to take much better care of myself, do the little things like care for my skin a little better, do my nails every week or just soak in a tub. I am going to blog every week instead of journaling and I am also going to try to meditate. I have never done it before but I think it could be good for me to try. The hard part will be finding a completely quiet place to do it in!

So that's it, I am hoping I can at least hit half of them.

The Ghost of Christmas Past, Present, and Future.

I was reminiscing the other day, just thinking of my favorite Christmas memories. I have many happy memories and I have a few not so happy ones. I think it is important to remember them all good and bad. I remember vaguely my first Christmas with my Dad. I remember the pajamas I was wearing, a little blue flannel set, and a baby doll. Just a flash, almost like a dream me holding my doll in the air smiling showing MY Daddy. That's a happy memory, I have memories of making candies with my Mom, any time spent with her during the holidays are my favorites. I remember my Dad use to work nights and he was in school during the day so she and I would spend a whole day cleaning the house and decorating, putting up the tree and checking the lights, the billion lights! Our family tree has always been a fire hazard. Then there were special nights that we would stay up all night making fudge and truffles, peanut butter and coconut balls, and every type of cookie you could imagine. I hope to one day make memories like those with girls of my own. Then came my sister, My favorite Christmas memory with my sister was our first back in South Carolina. We got a trampoline and a go-cart that year. We hadn't been on that damn thing for more than twenty minutes. I hogged the darn thing because I just knew she would wreck it. Her first lap up and back down the driveway and didn't she slam the thing into a tree. It was ok and funny afterward but I was so mad when I thought she totalled it. I didn't want to let her drive again but Daddy let her and I just remember how happy she was, I can still see her in her jeans and denim jacket, long brown curly hair blowing in the wind smiling and laughing all the way. The older I get the more I value the little things that make this time of year special to me. I think it all began Christmas of 2003 which was my worst Christmas by far. I spent it alone, just me and Remington. I felt completely alone, I was living in an unfurnished apartment, all I had was a television and an air mattress. That year I had a tree with one strand of white lights, and a few decorations but no presents that year. The story is a long one so I will not get into it but it gave me a greater appreciation for what this season truly means. I stayed up all night watching Christmas specials, my favorite being Merry Christmas Charlie Brown. Now it isn't Christmas if I don't get to see that special. Just like in the Grinch, Christmas came with out stockings, packages, or bags, there was no feast. It was humbling. I learned a lot that year, a lot about myself and what was truly important. I decided that Christmas day that I would never spend another one alone, I would always be surrounded by friends and family because that is what its all about. Christmas 2007 was spectacular. I got married that December and we spent the first two weeks of the month in Disney World and on a Disney Cruise, that was one magical Christmas. There was a lot to celebrate that year. Christmas of 2009 was one of just being thankful that he survived. This year I can't help but look back on the past six years and remember how he and I just use to shine at this time of year. I can't believe this is probably our last. Even thought there are so many uncertain things in my life right now I still have hope for the Christmas of my future. I see myself with someone special surrounded by love, with my traditions and hopefully my children giving them memories they will forever cherish. 

Excerpt From Captain Corelli's Mandolin, Louis De Bernieres

"Love is a temporary madness, it erupts like volcanoes and then subsides. And when it subsides you have to make a decision. You have to work out whether your root was so entwined together that it is inconceivable that you should ever part. Because this is what love is. Love is not breathlessness, it is not excitement, it is not the promulgation of promises of eternal passion that is just being in love, which any fool can do. Love itself is what is left over when being in love has burned away, and this is both an art and a fortunate accident. Those that truly love have roots that grow towards each other underground, and when all the pretty blossoms have fallen from their branches, they find that they are one tree and not two."

Just a reading from a wedding I attended this weekend that I really liked.

The Choice

"I choose to live and to grow, take and give and to move, learn and love and to cry, kill and die and to be paranoid and to lie, hate and fear and to do what it takes to move through."